


Verimensis 1st

by dragonners



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: (implied) - Freeform, Angst, Asexual Character, F/F, Sad, Snippets, Songfic, Sweet, Ultimate Sacrifice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:21:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27880678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonners/pseuds/dragonners
Summary: "Leliana poured her heart into a ballad that would eventually become known throughout Thedas. But after one performance, Leliana quietly vanished. [...] she never forgot the one she loved." Epilogue for a romanced Leliana of a Warden that did the Ultimate Sacrifice.  This fic is based on the song January 1st (Coldrain), which is what I imagine that ballad was.Snippets of their time together and the thoughts and memories that Leliana carried into her song.
Relationships: Leliana/Female Tabris (Dragon Age), Leliana/Warden (Dragon Age)
Kudos: 6





	Verimensis 1st

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language, any mistakes please do let me know.  
> Also, first time I wrote a songfic, I hope I did it right. This is the song if you want to listen along:  
> coldrain - JANUARY 1ST  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncCbyA6HgJg

**_I can't believe that it's over now_ **

**_I hope you know that I'll miss you_ **

  
She stood there, watching as the Queen spoke of the woman Leliana loved. As if Anora had ever truly known Tabris. 

“Ah, Kallian. Your body laying on this stone bed, to go, so many faces crying… You were so worried that you could disappear without nobody caring” Leliana thought and she remembers that talk so well:

“I know, logically, my father would miss me, my cousins too” said Kallian, the two of them kept watch on the camp. “But it wouldn’t matter, it wouldn't change anything in their lives. Maybe I should be happy that they could go on without me, but it makes me feel like being alive doesn’t make any difference. I want my life to matter”

“It does to me” Leliana said in a soft voice, her hand finding Kallian’s, the young Warden looked so surprised by her words and gesture, she only smiled. What a smile.

**_  
_ **

**_You fought the fight like no other could_ **

**_Day and night I hope you know, I'm so proud of you_ **

  
It was like she was always on the move. She was checking the camp perimeter, but she was also making sure the armors and weapons were well taken care of. And then you would blink and she was training with Oghren or Sten. The only times you could find her sitting still she had a book in her hands about strategy or darkspawn. It took her so long to go through the pages. Leliana didn’t know back then that she barely could read. But she tried so hard. This war couldn’t have asked for a more dedicated Grey Warden or leader.

And she still worried she wasn’t gonna be enough.

“Maker… you were always so much more than enough, my love” whispered Leliana as the body went up in flames. 

  


_**Said goodbye but had to lie** _

_**Tonight it's not alright** _

_**So I'll try but can't deny** _

_**Tonight will never be alright** _

  
She found Tabris on the floor, crying. Leliana rush to fall behind her, hugged her and asked:

“Did Morrigan do anything to you?”

“Don’t ask”

“What, why?”

“Because I’ll lie. And we both know you can see right through my lies”

“Kallian…”

“I’ll lie. Please don’t make me lie to you in what could be our last night”

It was the hardest thing Leliana had ever said when she answered: “Okay”

They lay together, Leliana’s mind racing. Kallian was able to tell her enough about what killing the Archdemon involved, but there was something else. The words to ask kept coming up her lips, but then a soft sob or a small snore from Kallian would make her keep her promise. But the tears that fell in both their chest, they burned like acid.

“Please Maker, don’t make me lose her” Leliana prayed the entire night.

**_  
Tell me how do I let go?_ **

**_When all I know is to hold on_ **

**_Every memory that you left_ **

**_Keeps me from moving ahead_ **

**_Tell me how do I let go?_ **

  
How could she sleep in the soft sheets of the castle without remembering Kallian’s laughter the first time she experienced them? Or the night they ran from the Castle and went to the Alienage?

That laughter that started in her throat and then went out into the world. Every time someone laughed, Leliana looked but nobody had her laughter yet every laughter reminded her of Tabris. 

**_  
It's been a month I've been doing good_ **

**_I wrote this song thinking of you_ **

**_I hope it helps someone like me someday get through_ **

**_Losing somebody like you_ **

  
A small performance, Anora asked of her. Everybody wanted to hear the lover of the Hero of Ferelden. Kallian always wanted to hear her. Leliana could perfectly picture her face when she sang. Her mouth would be slightly open and her eyes, the way she watched… One would think Leliana was a goddess… Kallian thought so.

“Do you ever write your own songs?” Tabris asked one day.

“Sometimes”

“Would you write one about me?” she asked shamelessly. 

“If you ever deserves”

“Oh? Having great hair is not worthy of a ballad?” Leliana laughed loud at this “Guess I’ll keep trying then, maybe once I save the world?”

“Maybe” Leliana teased. 

**_  
Said I try but had to lie_ **

**_Goodbye is not alright_ **

**_So I'll cry from time to time_ **

**_Cuz goodbye will never be alright_ **

  
It was a few moments before they reached Denerim, right before Anora gave her speech. Kallian pulled her aside. “Make me a promise”, she asked, “Anything” Leliana answered.

“I know I said I wanted my life, my death, to matter. To be remembered, for someone to miss me. Promise me that that won’t be you.”

“Kallian!”

“Promise me that I won’t ruin your life”

“You think, what? I can just move on from you?” Leliana’s hands went to her face, taking in every detail. By the Maker, Kallian was gorgeous.

“Then mourn, but just a little bit. But promise me you’ll be alright”’

“I can’t”

“Then lie to me”

That got Leliana a small giggle “I thought we didn’t lie to each other”

“No. I don’t lie to you because I suck at it. But you are my amazing bard. Lie to me that you’ll be alright.” There was a playful smile in her lips but her eyes… She needed that. So Leliana took a deep breath and said the most untruthful words she ever said in her long life as a bard:“I’ll forget all about you in a month”

“Good.” and then Kallian kissed her. 

**_  
Tell me how do I let go?_ **

**_When all I know is to hold on_ **

**_Every memory that you left_ **

**_Keeps me from moving ahead_ **

**_Tell me how do I let go?_ **

  
Sitting at the garden, watching people coming and going, Leliana only watched her own memories. The young couple sitting side by side, awkwardly trying to move closer, she saw Kallian and Alistair, before their fight. The rose he gave her, the way her smile was just a bit bigger for him (back then).

And the two teenagers sneaking on the back, hoping nobody noticed them. That was Kallian and Zevran. She was fascinated by him, by his speech, his tattoos, his adventures.

Maker, how jealous she was of Alistar and Zevran, she thought Kallian could never look at her, until one day she did and Leliana was all she could see. Kallian was more truthful to Leliana than anyone ever before. Kallian was scared she couldn’t make anyone happy so she pretended to want everyone. Kallian wanted a big love story, but thought nobody would want that with her. The two of them together did more than flirting, they understood each other, what they needed, wanted. They found a middle ground.

So the two older women, sitting at the tables, laughing at each other. One dressed so fanciful, the other not as much… Those are the two of them… At least who they should have become had she lived.

_**  
I never had to say a word** _

_**It's like you always saw me through** _

  
Maybe it was because Kallian was a disgrace when it came to lying, to persuade anyone. Maker, that woman couldn’t trick a child. It was hilarious to see her stumble through words, or start laughing mid lie. The night Zevran wanted them to play Wicked Grace, Leliana had to drag her away, lest she would lose her own pants. 

That meant she knew Kallian was always real, her words were truthful. When she lied, she laughed, but when she talked about feelings, about the real things, the truth in her voice, the intensity of her tone… It got Leliana in awe and she wanted to offer the same back.

Still, Kallian noticed things, noticed her. Words were at times not even needed. She could shoot her a look across camp, and suddenly the woman was beside her, giving her a hug, a peck and off she went again.

It was intense, but simple. It took so long for them to be together but once they were, it was like they always had been.

_**  
But all you ever asked of me** _

_**Was to hold you like I always do** _

  
Leliana liked to think she offered something back. With words Kallian didn’t even know but meant everything to her. On an acceptance Kallian thought she would never find.

Kallian would always get nervous before bedtime, but Leliana would take the lead. Would smile, hold her hand, pull her to her and hold her so tight and that was enough. On those nights, she could feel Kallian melting into her. She cried the first few times, she tried to turn into more, sometimes it became, but it was never needed. They found their rhythm. As long as they were close, they were happy. 

_**  
I never had to say a word** _

_**It's like you always saw me through** _

  
Kallian could keep things for herself, and since she knew she wasn’t able to lie, she would just hide them very deep. There was an understanding there though. Both had been through stuff neither felt particularly happy to talk about. Most of them they got around to, but it wasn’t the point. They didn’t need to know everything, they just needed to know the other was there for them regardless. 

**_  
But all you ever asked of me_ **

**_Was to love you like I do_ **

  
She was so surprised the first time Leliana said she loved her, it was like the thought this could be real, that her dream of a love story could be happening didn’t even occur to her, but she was so enthusiastic in saying it back. And afterwards, that little sideways looks it was like evoked the words out of Leliana’s mouth without even realizing.

How Leliana wishes to know how many times they said the words to each other. More times than she could count in such a short span of time. Each time was real, powerful. Kallian didn’t lie, and her words of truth were the most meaningful in the world.

_**  
Tell me how do I let go?** _

_**When all I know is to hold on** _

_**Every memory that you left** _

_**Keeps me from moving ahead** _

_**Tell me how do I let go?** _

  
The surprised smile when she helped fight Loghain’s men in the tavern.

The coy look when she gave her an Andraste’s Grace.

The scare in her voice when she confessed to Leliana she had slept with Zevran. The terrifying note when she revealed she didn’t want that and the relief when she learned she wasn’t broken for it.

The laughter through the entire boat ride when Leliana convinced the Templar to let them pass at lake Calenhad.

The day an arrow hit her back and an Ogre picked her up, the terror in Leliana that paralised her until Oghren came to the rescue of his best friend. Her guilt for not acting and the long days and nights she spent tending to Kallian’s every need until she recovered.

The long talks late at night.

Their plans to travel the world, become Red Jennys and help everyone they meet.

The desire to be good. The fear of magic and hatred towards nobles that she herself felt disgusting for feeling. The fear of not being enough.

Her trying to play the lute, the scare look on her face when her big hands broke one of the strings.

The way she put on a heavy armor and dragged a huge broad sword like it was nothing.

The way she talked about her mother and the worn boots she would always wear even though they weren’t appropriate. The ring in her finger for a man she barely met but sworn to love. The small things she felt attached to.

So many memories swirling through Leliana’s mind every time she thought of her. The good, the bad, the jealousy, the laughter, the pain, the tears, the love, the kindness, the promise...

_**  
How do I let go?** _

_**How do I let go?** _

_**Every memory that you left** _

_**Keeps me from moving ahead** _

_**Tell me how do I let go?** _


End file.
